Booze

(also see 'pubs' and 'food'--- both chapters coming up)

England

They say that, such is harsh weather a central part of their life, that the Eskimo have an unusually large number of words for 'snow'. This may explain why the English language is packed with synonyms for the word "drunk": wasted, smashed, mashed, lashed, boxed, plastered, rat-arsed, shitfaced, hammered, fucked, pissed, sloshed, blottoed, slaughtered, paralytic, wrecked, wankered, mullered, gatted, trolleyed and -of course- the more twee "intoxicated".

Check your French, Spanish or German thesaurus and you just won't find such a generous range to pick from.

In fact, one of the most typical reactions you're likely to hear from people fresh from a trip to England is their sheer shock at the amount of alcohol guzzled in the Land of Hope and Glory...

Languages: who drew the short straw?

Italy

A new resident to Italy would take but five minutes to clock that the whole country appears collectively hellbent on destroying their language.

Any workplace, TV programme, newspaper, or even supermarket would stuff the unlikeliest of sentences with English words (in many cases misused and, in most, horrifically pronounced).

In turn, this is ensuring the virtual disappearance of perfectly valid Italian words. And so you’ll find that they no longer have a “riunione”, but a “miting” instead. “Facciamo il miting e poi mi dite qual e’ il fid-beck” (“Let’s do a meeting and then you’ll tell me what you think”). Or…an Italian doesn’t exercise, he “va a fare feet-ness”, he does fitness, whatever the fuck that means. Oh and listen, “beck-ap” your files, won’t you?

More, when the Italian telly shows the equivalent of Match of the Day, they won’t show “le fasi salienti”, but “gli ai-laits”, the “highlights”, because they obviously reckon that butchering an English word or ten makes them look trendy and cool and up-to-date with whatever they think it’s “feh-shun” (by which they mean “fashionable”, of course). Cringeworthy or what?...

Tarting yourself up?

England

When you compare fashion from one country to another and look at England, you've got to understand that the country's obsession with anything celeb-related is, literally, mental, which is crucial if you want to grasp how most English women go about it.

Guaranteed, wherever it is that you come from, there are also lots of people making a fuss out of the X-Factor (or whatever its local equivalent), Big Brother, some footballer's wives/lovers or others. No doubt, there will also be a few magazines devoted to perfecting the art of shallowness and turning grey stuff into pulp. Perhaps a gossip TV programme and so on.

Whatever the amount, however, when you think about Britain, multiply it by at least 10 and then add another 100 for good measure. Square.

The telly and the press are bursting at the seams with that shit. People are OBSESSED with what their celebrities do. They talk about it at work, at home, on the bus, on their death bed.

Cheryl Cole's new hairdo, Tulisa's gnashers, Victoria Beckham's 75th boob job, Jordan's tan, Wayne Rooney's prozzas, Jody Marsh's obnoxiousity, Bob Geldof's daughter's sweaty armpits, the appalling The Only Way Is Essex, you name it. In England it's a humongous money-making monster...

Employment and tax evasion: a Spanish timebomb

Spain

It goes without saying that this blog would be punching above its weight a tiny bit if it even tried to analyse complex economic circumstances and possible causes behind the recent global crisis. We simply wouldn’t have a clue.

But I tell you one thing. I don’t know how Spain is going to manage when the twenty, thirty and forty-somethings of today approach their retiring age. Forget today’s mammoth crisis, either the country will collapse to bits or most Spaniards will be forced to work full-time into their eighties and nineties until the day they snuff it.

And this is because millions and millions of Spaniards today are being forced, certainly against their free will, to contribute between little and nothing to the state’s coffers.

I explain...

Metro and underground

Berlin Metro

Germany

One of the beauties of Berlin is undoubtedly its vintage-looking underground network. Especially in the Eastern part of the city, tourists will marvel at carriages coming straight from a different era, complete with wood panels and 1950s (or 60s or 70s, depending on the line) décor. Out of all the European cities I’ve visited, it’s certainly the most fascinating.

But. Here comes the but. The well-paid chaps in charge of the Berlin Metro network could do with a week-long study trip anywhere else (but Italy). Or perhaps may look up the word “signpost” (or “Wegweiser”) in the dictionary. Put simply, orientation around the Berlin underground is painfully confusing. Oh…and since we’re at it, they could do with sticking more ticket machines around, because it’s absolutely ridiculous that just yards away from the ultra touristy and super central Brandenburg Gate you have people queuing at the one (one, that’s right, it wasn’t a typo) machine available.

And what’s the score with those very few metro maps on walls?..

Trains: the British disgrace

England

The state of the railway system is an area where the English really need to get their head out of their backside and humbly look around for examples to follow. Whatever it is that they’re doing, it’s not working, and even if it is getting slightly better (which is debatable), it is doing so at exorbitant and unacceptable prices.

Some people would tell you that privatising the railway system in 1995 was when it all started going tits up. Fares skyrocketed and private firms started making a fortune almost overnight, even though the government still keeps wasting billions on them to keep the network afloat. A fucked up brand of free market indeed.

Yes, some ultra modern trains did finally appear ten or fifteen years later, but services are constantly disrupted up and down the country with (never-ending) “engineering works” being doled out as the routine formula and –most importantly- travelling by train in England has become completely unaffordable.

Manners: don't say 'por favor'

Spain

It shouldn’t surprise you that, inundated as they are with foreign tourists and Northern Europeans in particular, the Spanish have coined a few nicknames to describe British or American tourists or anyone who tend to turn pink after a bit of sunbathing.

One of them is “los porfavores”, which refers to the fact that most British people (and most tourists, to be fair) follow every request or order in shops, bars and restaurants with “please” (por favor in Spanish). This in turn begs the question of how Spanish people can easily be perceived as extremely rude, especially when it comes to the area of customer service.

If you consider how ceremonial behaviour, would-you-be-so-kind, could-I-possibly, would-you-mind, excuse-me and sorry are the order of the day in Britain, the almost total lack of their equivalent in Spain is a very interesting cultural trait.

Bottom line, the direct translation of some of the most ceremonial-sounding English expressions is clunky at best and non-existent at worst. Try translating “would you mind bringing me a glass of water please” in Spanish (“os desagradaria traerme un vaso de agua, por favour”) and you will be met with genuine laughter. It simply doesn’t translate.

This is particularly true in Catalonia, which of course, some Catalans would proudly argue “is not Spain”.